I decided to give my representative the boot. You know who I’m talking about: the person that we bring out when we are afraid to bring out our real selves. I found that I was bringing out my representative a lot. She was funny and she was nice, but she was only living on the surface and she was only telling people what she thought they wanted to hear. You see, my representative lived in my head. I spent so much time in my head thinking about how I was supposed show up, what I should be doing, what other people would think and how uncomfortable I was feeling. My stomach was in knots a lot. I’m done with that. My head had become a scary place to be and I did not want to be defined by my representative. She is the imposter!
So, for the past few months, I have been peeling back the layers and tapping into the real me. You know, the one that worries about her abilities to be a good coach, her mom and the cancer diagnosis, the viability of running her own business, her son’s first year of marriage, her daughter’s first home purchase and her fence that just might fall down with the next big snow. I could go on. The list is long. The list is always long and the fears feel real. I have come to understand that I don’t need to live in that space. I can choose to live differently. I have chosen to live differently.
I choose courage…
- The courage to tell the world that I am a messy human that doesn’t always have the answers.
- The courage to teach who I am, not what I know.
- The courage to walk my walk.
- The courage to embrace, harness and play with fear.
- The courage to see the growth and learning that comes from being uncomfortable.
- The courage to be curious when I just want to go back to bed.
- The courage to be gentle with myself.
Wow, it feels good to let that go! I lived most of my corporate life thinking that I needed to be the expert. I led operations; people looked to me for answers. I fixed stuff! And I was pretty successful. I was pretty good at living from the heart when it involved other people, but I was also really good at hiding my vulnerability when it came to myself. Heaven forbid should Kerri not have the answer or the plan.
All of this is my truth and it took me months of personal reflection and soul searching to get where I am today. It took finding clarity around my Why-Be-Do® (purpose, character and calling) and the values I want to live into. I had to really take a look at the behaviors I associate with my values so I could get clarity on what it looked like if I was to live into my dream of being a vulnerable, gentle person as well as running a successful coaching business.
My representative still comes knocking on my door. She probably always will. However, I don’t invite her in and I certainly don’t let her be my co-pilot.
How about you? You have a choice. You can choose positive or negative, lightness or darkness, courage or fear. You can be vulnerable or you can be guarded. What do you choose?